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Completion of the Pattern... Probably.

So I've been traveling around for a month and some: some in the states and some in the Middle East.

I kept in fairly regular contact wit A and whilst I was away... And I worked on the decision of what to do about D. It had become apparent that he had hit a wall... he was finished and he wanted his answer about whether I'd be monogamous with him even though he knew what it was going to be.

All sorts of drama and desperation and crying and sex and pretending this isn't happening occurred upon my return and the weekend we spent together. This always happens. It's very hard to be rational during these moments and not promise the other person whatever the hell they want.  The strong emotions always confuse the brain, and the sense of loss is overwhelming and terrifying. "Where are you going? Why are you leaving this?"

The "need" is the problem. My hormones are not recovered from my bout with depo... as can be seen from the currently running 70-some day period. I think I nee D. The reason for this is that sexually, he's the only one I want to jump on... the only one I think I need because nothing can compare to the passion incensed by the fucking desperation emotions. When you're losing something... you want it more. After discussing this wit A, I have still not come to any actual conclusions about it. I'm assuming it will fade with time. But in that time... I miss him and I am sad. What a surprise. 

An alteration in the pattern: usually I feel much better the day after everything goes down... I don't feel that much better today. I guess I'm no longer crying, so that's an improvement. 

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polygoodgirl
Poly Good Girl

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About Me:

Age: Twenties
Work: Community College Instructor
Education: B.Sc.
Pets: 3 Cats
Home: 3bdr House, Co-habitating with A
Hobby: Dancing
Specs: 5'1"/110/34-25-36
Status: 1 Primary, 1 Tertiary (LD)
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