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First of All...

This Blog is for anyone who would like to read it, but some posts are locked under 'friends-only' for the safety of those persons discussed within them. Please friend me to read everything that is written!

Many entries will be sexually explicit and may have the possiblity of being offensive. Please do not read if these types of things will bother you.
So, we all remember when I got the depo shot last year... I did not have a period for two months. Now I have had constant bleeding-not one day of rest- for nearly 6 months. To be fair, I haven't been to a physician about it. I've been hoping it would go away on it's own. Although now I'm starting to wonder if I'm anemic because of it, so I'm running out of time to wait. I'll be getting a new primary physician soon; and hopefully, she'll be able to help me. She's probably going to put me on more pills to take care of this. Figures.

In other news, after my pelvic steroid shots, by face turned into something similar to the moon with acne. After a round of doxycycline antibiotics failed, and since I didn't want to go on the hell that is accutane, my dermatologist and I decided to try spironolactone. It's actually used as a mild diuretic... but it has a couple of key side effects: it's an anti-androgen, and it causes gynecomastia. So, we were hoping it would kill off some of the hormonal crap affecting my face. Additionally, I gained almost of cup size of boobage, so win.

It has helped... along with a shampoo to strip all the oil from my hair with salicylic acid and a clarisonic face scrubber.

Pattern: "They Always Come Back."

The Pattern is generally very clear cut.... regardless of how a relationship ends, they always come back if you let them. Even if it takes years.

In 2010 and 2011, I dated a tertiary, T. He was a sweet thing: younger than me, very naive, and very Christian. I dated him starting about 3 months before and perhaps another 4 months during A, to get the timeline right. Our relationship was never possible to have a future (I'm not particularly Christian and don't want to be,) and clearly we were never exclusive. He still abided by the "no sex before marriage" rule, so although we were intimate, we never had intercourse. So I was a series of a thousand firsts for him... and this developed into something very close to a teacher-student relationship. I took care of him. He was fun and excited. He had questions, and I had answers.

We kept a long distance connection for awhile when he went back to school, and we saw each other occasionally. When I moved another couple of hours away, we stopped seeing each other in any intimate manner, and he found himself an exclusive girlfriend. We never actually "broke up" and there were absolutely no negative emotions. We have maintained a strong friendship since then; although there was no physicality besides hugs. Seeing him tends to set me back into the old "maintenance and training" mode.

Since I moved in with A, T has a higher likelihood of seeing me since he comes in to town to see his parents. We had breakfast on Saturday morning and he kissed me. It was very shy, and very short, and very sweet. He has often told me that he missed me, but I've taken it with a grain of salt. That night, (St. Patricks day) he agreed to come along with A and me to my old city to meet up with my friends and let off some steam. I addressed him affectionately for the night and let him attempt to lead where he would like to go.

None-the-less, I was incredibly surprised when he asked me to sleep with him that night- in every sense of the word. Considering how incredibly adamant he had been about keeping his virginity. Anyway, I wasn't about to reject him. It was good for him to have a nice first experience, I think. I consider it charity work. But, he is my friend... honestly, as incestuous as it sounds, he's almost like my little brother. I'm not dating him again... nor am I sure that I even want to. Right now I'm trying to focus on myself and my relationship with A. But T will be around rarely, and I figure I'll just take each situation as it comes. Noticeably, he is on the very, very short list of men that are currently allowed to consider themselves welcome in my bed. This is because he is familiar... nothing new is anticipated, these days. Stupid hormones.

And it also amused me intensely. Every first that boy has ever had when it comes to sex is mine. And that... I think that means I win.

To add to the situation, we end up spending time with D that night.. so the three of them were in the same apartment for quite a period of time. D and T had never met never met before, and D didn't particularly know how T was. Which was fine by everyone... except me, because I rather prefer everything clarified.

Oh... one last part my pattern... apparently A has to say something to any of my recent ex's while black-out drunk that makes them go super angsty and freak out. We're still not sure what happened this time.... remember the bourbon incident with S

Depression and Altering the Pattern

So after a week of unfathomable depression followed by a week of slightly lesser depression, I drove back to my apartment. I've been living at A's trying to get some of the spark back and become more excited about moving in with him. And I've been enjoying my time with him... when he's available (He works 60-some hours a week these days;) and when I haven't been utterly drowning in a sea of depression. I didn't know what day it was most of the time... let alone what time or if I was supposed to do something. I was a wreck. I'm much less of a wreck now... not that I've pulled it together or anything. This depression was actually quite new. Never before have I had such a long and devastating response to a break-up. There are many reasons for it... likely that I have no real responsibilities since I have no job, and A is exceptionally busy. But anyway, so things with A have been improving on all fronts, in my opinion.

Missing D, however, hadn't improved one wit. I was not "getting over" him... at all. I've been coping. It also didn't help that when I opened my front door I found a valentine's day present sitting there. It was adorable and sweet and had a very long card in it that wasn't overly sappy. I called him to say thank you and after some hour something I thought this was stupid. I wanted to see him. I was tired of being a good girl about the whole thing; and honestly, I wasn't very good at it anyway. Also, I had the excuse of needing to return a pan and retrieve a cup. So I went to visit, since he didn't forbid me. For a while, we were actually good. We exchanged items. Made pleasantries. Hugged. And ended up having sex again. Wow, everyone is so surprised. I believe this is another expected part of the pattern, honestly.

However, this had to be the most inconvenient time for him to unwittingly introduce minor BDSM principles into the situation. I had very little control of the situation after that... Fortunately, D is of course very trustworthy and took care of me. My responses were... intense. The only other person who has ever managed to have that kind of power over me is A. It was... disconcerting to say the least. D mentioned the emotional charge being different... less connected than the last time we were together. This is silly; of course it was... We both figured that would be our last time together. So sex and cuddling... we both knew very well that we would NOT be sleeping next to each other for the night. That's a pitfall. I went back to my apartment after a while.

I feel better. I don't know where this rabbit hole leads. Probably nowhere good. Especially nowhere good for D. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not going to "get over" him.... because I apparently don't want to. So I'll see him when I can if it doesn't drive him insane with grief. I realize this isn't the nicest way to handle the situation... but things did feel a lot more peaceful between us when I left tonight. We weren't crying, anyway... so that has to be something.

Personal DTR: Deciding What Terms I Need

So the question remains that I haven't managed to figure out if I want to stay poly or go back to mono.

says he's willing to work with me on it... but truthfully I think he wouldn't be able to handle it if I said I needed to be mono until an indeterminate date... mostly because that's incredibly stupid, but there you go. 

Staying poly would mean that I would inevitably go through another run of the Pattern... and honestly, I don't know if my heart can handle it. Last time I tried so hard to make it different... to choose someone that wouldn't start it all over again... but in the end that didn't work. 

I slept with someone out of the country to see if I could. I could. It wasn't worth it. I guess is was fun... I just missed someone else.

I still don't really care i A sleeps with other women. I have no interest in joining them... and I have no interest in finding someone else to join our bed or my bed. I don't know if this will change. I've realized that I no longer care if it does. I'm just so tired of it all. It's so much effort. But him sleeping with other women will drive me away, I think. Create distance between us. Oh, I know he loves me. Even i D thinks he doesn't, and other people don't understand the situation. There are two things in the world that I know: I love my cats, an A loves me. 

I used to identify as poly. Truly, being able to love more than one person, that's me. So technically I'm still poly. But I'm no longer sexually open. So that makes me poly-fi, theoretically. Poly-fidelitous... poly in a closed circle. I've been this way for quite a long time, really. Since before depo. That's another concern. First I lost interest in others outside o A an D. Then after depo I even lost interest i A. That, I care about. I want it back. This is very difficult for me. I still love him very much... if I didn't... well, I'd still be with D.

I can't go back to him. I want to make things work wit A This is the life I planned for and the life I wanted. So why do I feel so lost?

The truth is: I've become entirely too dependent on my men. I don't have a job. I don't have plans set to go to school.. Technically I don't even know where I'm living right now. My apartment is in another state and I have no reason to go back to it except to get more clothes. I'm moving in wit A, but I despise his apartment, so I don't want to move in; I want us both to move. Unfortunately, he's tied up with work right now, so I don't see that happening for a couple of months.

So I need to find something to do with myself. I'm going to find the masters program I want to start in the fall. And I'm going to get into it. I'm going to go to Europe and I'm not going to have constant contact with my men. I'm going to learn who I am and what I want. I tried to do that when I was gone... but it wasn't enough and I was too caught up in all the ridiculousness wit D. I realize it sounds like I'm just repeating a situation and putting things off again. Maybe I am. But this is the last time. If this doesn't work... Well. This will work. Time and space will help me discover "me" again. Me outside of poly/mono. Me outside of men. Me outside of everything. I hope.

Completion of the Pattern... Probably.

So I've been traveling around for a month and some: some in the states and some in the Middle East.

I kept in fairly regular contact wit A and whilst I was away... And I worked on the decision of what to do about D. It had become apparent that he had hit a wall... he was finished and he wanted his answer about whether I'd be monogamous with him even though he knew what it was going to be.

All sorts of drama and desperation and crying and sex and pretending this isn't happening occurred upon my return and the weekend we spent together. This always happens. It's very hard to be rational during these moments and not promise the other person whatever the hell they want.  The strong emotions always confuse the brain, and the sense of loss is overwhelming and terrifying. "Where are you going? Why are you leaving this?"

The "need" is the problem. My hormones are not recovered from my bout with depo... as can be seen from the currently running 70-some day period. I think I nee D. The reason for this is that sexually, he's the only one I want to jump on... the only one I think I need because nothing can compare to the passion incensed by the fucking desperation emotions. When you're losing something... you want it more. After discussing this wit A, I have still not come to any actual conclusions about it. I'm assuming it will fade with time. But in that time... I miss him and I am sad. What a surprise. 

An alteration in the pattern: usually I feel much better the day after everything goes down... I don't feel that much better today. I guess I'm no longer crying, so that's an improvement. 


Seeing a Poly Friendly Psychologist

My super specialized uro-gynecologist was confused as to why I was having pelvic pain with intercourse... and why it wasn't fixing. So she suggested I see a psych. Willing to do anything, I agreed. The woman she wanted me to see was booked out for a few months, so I didn't see her until today.

I liked her. After she listened to my situation with A and D and heard about my recent emotional and sexual problems from depo, she essentially forbade me from making any important decisions until my head and body clear the drug. She agreed that D needed to back off and let me take my time. And if he's not willing to do so, then he's not worth the drama and the struggle. She made a point to make sure he wasn't abusive... covering the bases, of course. 

She also said that the NRE I've spoken of has been proven in clinical MRI trials... it takes about 18 months to clear the system of the dopamine high in a new relationship. A year and a half. "When you know, you know" has to be the dumbest reason to marry someone that I've ever heard. You need to vet the person... you need to chase out the incompatibilities... and that takes time.

So she wrote D a letter... on her letterhead... and signed all her titles after her name... telling him these things. 

She was lovely to talk to. It was nice to talk to someone who wasn't inside the system. 

My female friends say that everyone should see a therapist... because of everyone has problems. Honestly, this appointment couldn't have come at a better time. It would have been useless a couple of months ago. 

She was understanding about my relationships and non-judgmental about any other *ahem* scandalous activities. I think I shall see her again.

Birth Control Options

Birth control is important whether you're in a mono or poly relationship(s) or otherwise single. 

Let's talk about common options:
Hormonal options : Please note that if you are not sure of your partners STD status, ALSO USE CONDOMS!

The ring (Nuvaring): I've used nuvaring before and I absolutely hated it. However, I have had many women tell me that it is absolutely wonderful for them and they've used it for years. The ring is inserted into the vagina and fits behind the pubic bone. It just kinda of chills out there and you don't have to do anything with it until it's the week for your period, and then you take it out. You can take it out during sex if you want, just don't forget to put it back in afterward.The ring took away my ability to have clitoral orgasms for a long time. It also gave me yeast and urinary tract infections. 

The pill (Orthotricyclin, etc.): I was on this pill for 8 years with minimal problems. The had a lowered libido somewhat (after years) and vaginal dryness. In addition, I recently found out that it may be responsible for the pelvic pain I've been having with penetration, as there is some link there. There are many, many options for pills: some combination pills of estrogen and progestin, some just progesterone (mini pills). If one form does not work for you, another might. The pill must be taken at the same time (give or take an hour) every day except for during the week of your period. I set an alarm on my phone, as many other women do. You must always carry your pills if you don't know when you'll be home. If you are not responsible, do not use this method. Also, antibiotics render pills ineffective. Use a back-up method then.

The shot: (Depo-Provera): Depo is my brand-new most hated enemy. I had my first injection a couple of months ago. It is a progesterone shot given in the arm or the butt, and the pregnancy prevention lasts three months. Then the shot must be given again. If given during the first 5 days of your period, the shot is instantly effective. The shot caused bone loss in women if taken or more than a period of time (~two years, I believe) but the loss seems to revert when the shots are stopped. Weight gain is a common side-effect. Weight-loss is a rare one. Emotional problems and libido problems are common. A couple of days after I was given my first shot, my libido died and buried itself. Not only was the idea of sex not interesting, it was the most disgusting though I could come up with. In addition, I had major mood swings and no control over my emotions. I was sad for no reason, I started making emotional instead of rational decisions. I essentially turned into a normal, crazy girl. As a note, spotting and irregular periods can occur. I have yet to receive either in the last two months. It uses progestin only.

The patch (Ortho Evra): I have never used the patch. A new patch is placed on your skin once a week for three weeks, and then you have your period. Rinse and repeat. It is usually applied to the upper arm, upper or lower back, or lower stomach. It has similar side-effects to that of the other hormonal options.

The implant (Implanon, Nexplanon): The match-stick-sized implant is inserted into the inner upper arm and lasts for 3 years, and you don't have to do anything. It uses progestin only. It uses less hormones than the other options above, because it is constantly in the body.There can be libido and weight gain side-effects, as well as possible problems with scarring in the arm at the insertion site. I chose not to do use this option because I scar horribly. 

The IUD (Mirena): Mirena is inserted into the uterus via the cervix. It's not comfortable to put in. This method will be my next attempt instead of another Depo shot, so I'll make an update then. It is effective for 5 years, and you don't have to do anything. Have your physician check to make sure you have no bacterial infections when the IUD is inserted, because this may impair pregnancy later. Apparently it can slip out or push through the uterine wall, so check for it by feeling for the little strands with your fingers way back by your cervix. Mirena is over 99% effective. Like depo, it uses progetin only. It uses the least amount of hormones of all, because it is directly at the source in your uterus.

Non-Hormonal Options:

Abstinence: The only 100% effective way to avoid pregnancy. We know this isn't going to happen so forget about it.

Condoms (F or M)/Sponge/Diaphragm/Cervical Cap: All of these are your options of things to put on/in every time you have sex. Honestly, all of them except male condoms are poor choices IN MY OPINION. The reason for that opinion is that the options are not effective enough. The percent of women who get pregnant using them perfectly is somewhere above 10% for each of them. Dryness can occur from them, and sometimes irritation. Keep your reusable stuff CLEAN.

Withdrawal: He pulls out before ejaculating. This isn't necessarily effective either, it depends on the man's level of control. However, I find it to be a lovely secondary method with the pill or the patch, or something like that. No side effects except the possible mess.

The IUD (Paragard): Paragard contains copper and lasts 12 years. It often causes heavy bleeding. It is not regularly used in women that have not yet had children. My doctor was not willing to give me this option for that reason.

I am skipping Family Awareness/ Clock Control/Calendar Method/Mucus control. I think this option is unsafe and simply to difficult to manage. It is only 75% effective, first of all. If it has worked for you, fantastic, but I'm just not willing to keep a log of my vitals are cervical mucus consistency every day. Plus there can be two weeks that aren't "safe days" that you'll need to abstain on or use another method anyway.

There are a couple of other methods (breast-feeding, sterilization, male vasectomy,) but I'm sure I don't have any information on them... I'm assuming you haven't had children but may want them.

Last but not least, if you fuck up or get scared. Take the morning-after pill. One pill, usually $20-50 and an 18+ ID will get you one at any pharmacy. 

Good luck in your options.

Planned Parenthood Birth Control Effectiveness
Planned Parenthood Birth Control Effectiveness

The Pattern, Ctd...

I forgot about the next step in the pattern... they come back. The reason for this is because the person who leaves gains nothing from doing so. All they do is feel bad. And I'm still available to them, so it would take an awful lot of self-control not to return to me.

D stayed away for 30 hours, and then showed up on my doorstep with roses during his lunch break. It was translucently obvious that there was more for him to gain from staying with me than cutting away. All he learned was that he's intensely in love with me. He didn't actually want to get over me. Whether he knows it or not, this was a bluff. What is does do, however, is create a trust issue; I can't be sure of when he'll do this again and that tends to start slowly stripping off layers of attachments to him... in self-preservation. When this happened with S, the trust issue was paramount... because D came back so quickly, it's much less debilitating.

This step in the pattern is avoidable; if you want to avoid it: you must not talk to me. Every time you talk/text/im with me you will be reminded of what you are missing, and that you could easily have it again. If you pretend that I don't exist, then there is nothing to return to.

Next in the pattern, will likely take one of two routes: He'll start regularly dropping hints about his displeasure with the current situation... or he'll make more "stands" or displays of attempted forced decision-making on my part. He has essentially taken the decision that was his and put it upon me. S did the same thing... and I eventually left him.  I am assuming will take option 1... in fact he's already started. 

So the question: why did I get back together with D if I don't necessarily plan on giving him the monogamous relationship he requires? Because I wasn't finished. See reference to my previous post about this. I need to know if the poly/mono discrepancy is the only thing that incompatible between us. In addition... depo has been screwing me up and I'm not fit to make any decisions right now. See the next post about that...

D and I broke up last night. He basically said he couldn't be in a relationship with me that wasn't monogamous anymore.... and that I needed to go figure myself out. Right now, I have no idea what's going on. It's very clear that we still love each other. I'm so tired of this pattern.

They get into the relationship... and then they want monogamy, marriage and babies. I don't know that I can give that to someone at the moment. I don't know that I want to. It's the same thing that happened with S.

I love D, and this hurts. It hurts because the relationship was still good. In it's prime, if you will. I doubt NRE had faltered yet. It's that we hadn't even had time to find all of each other's faults and whittle ourselves down to incompatibilities. I still don't know if the relationship would have failed because of some other reason besides my poly status or not. And that drives me nuts. I can think of many a reason why I shouldn't have stayed with D anyway, but that doesn't mean my emotions agree.

Am I doomed to continue this pattern? Meet someone; fall in love; hurt because they hurt; break up because they want monogamy?

I'm reconsidering my poly path. I just don't know if it's worth all of the drama. I end up broken up about my secondaries all the damn time. A puts up with it, and honestly I don't know why. I guess because he gets to fuck other women because of it. And honestly, I don't care. I wonder if it's security in our relationship that makes us not care... or if it's a problem. It's not as if I want to be jealous. But I feel as if maybe I should at least CARE. I wonder if I could just not get attached to people like I do, then it would be fine. But honestly, then I wouldn't even bother. Honestly, these days I do feel myself moving away from the open relationship. I don't care about sex now, whether that's because of depo or not... I don't know.

I was so so happy when the three of us were together. But is this worth the agonizing pain I have to deal with when it comes to grinding, bitter end? I try to take any happiness that is offered to me, and we all know that intense love emotions are wonderful. But I am just. so. tired.

Moving to Secondary and Falling in Love

I don't quite remember when it happened. Sometime is June, maybe? Just after my birthday. 

There was a night when D wouldn't tell me what he was thinking or feeling. This was the night that the attachment quotes started. I shall record some of them here:

You've ruined me for other women.
I didn't think I could marry someone who wasn't Russian, until you.
We match like puzzle pieces.
I want to be around you all the time.

We started spending more time together... we started sleeping together at night. 

I love emotional attachment, so I was happy when he wrapped one of his necklaces around my wrist and marked a claim. That's what moving to secondary is really about honestly, romantic emotional attachment and claim. It doesn't have to be love... but this turned out to be. 

I remember the day we were curled up on his bed when he told me he loved me. Whispered it... as if he didn't actually want me to hear it. He didn't want to fall in love with me. That was clear. But there you have it... another matched set in love.


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